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my sister is dead.
there was a car accident at 3pm. i was in the front seat, my sister
in the back, and grandma was driving. they think grandma had a heart attack. i
wasn't sure if i was awake or sleeping or conscious or unconscious but all i
remember seeing is us driving smack dab into the other car in the other lane,
and we hit it head on, full collision. i was inside screaming, i heard grandma
beside me, and i didn't see emma or hear her at all.
i'm in the passenger seat, and i stick my fingers through the crack above the
window. people are holding on to me, and a paramedic is holding my neck, not
letting me look at or turn toward grandma.
i'm on the stretcher, and i keep yelling where is my sister? where is my
sister? but everyone says they don't know. they all lied. she died (peacefully)
right there, on the spot. i only remember two people: a boy with a grey and red
shirt, shiny sunglasses, and jeans. talking on his cell phone. a lady with short
black hair, long purple fingernails. she held my fingertips as i cried.
i'm in the ambulance and i was singing the abc's. they cut my shirt right
off, a fathom farewell from threadless. it's beyond sewing. the paramedic is
asking me all these questions. are you okay? i scream, of course i'm not okay!
and then he asks about where i live, and i say where is my sister? he doesn't
know. i remember the lights, the sirens, the grey interior.
i'm at the hospital. my foot is broken, there's cuts on my forehead and right
eye, and a big scar on my chest from the seatbelt. my wrist hurts, i look down
and it's slit. i cried on the bed i was on, cried and cried and cried. a boy
with black curly hair watched me, and i settled down, we just sort of stared at
each other until he was taken away. i got x rays and everything hurts.
my parents are standing over me, i say where is my sister? they're both
crying, and my dad gasps out, she's in heaven with grandma. i scream. i scream
as they push my stupid bed down the hallway. i scream as i'm wheeled into a
small room, and i'm screaming as i wiggle my toes, wanting to get up and run,
run so far, but i can't move. i can only shake.
my sister is dead.
we're in the parking lot and my mother is pushing my wheelchair. my eyes are
raw, my hands numb and my foot has a temporary cast. they said the back of my
head needed stitches, it's bleeding all over me now because i just wanted to
leave, they said come back tomorrow. we're in the parkling lot and my parents
are yelling at each other because they've lost the car. i'm crying as they
fight, strangers walking by with horrified masks on their faces, pale and sticky
and white.
i'm at home, and i see three of my neighborhood friends, all boys, standing
behind my backyard. i go back there and i can't breathe but i manage to say emma
is dead. they hug me and hold me and more friends and neighbors come. hannah is
walking up and there must have been about fifteen people, and when she doesn't
see emma, starts to cry.
everyone is holding my hand, giving me teddy bears. cory grabs my shoulders,
says he knows how i feel, and i know he does, and he promises to visit me every
day. all the boys cry. they look so vulnerable, so unreal. my relatives come
later. kelsey is sitting beside me on the couch. i see everyone and crawl to
kane, my cousin, who just saw emma and grandma two days prior. he's crying, and
i hold his knee.
i say, i'm scared. he says, me too.
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